The World According to Mitch

There are some things people say that I look at them and think to myself ‘that was completely insensitive’ or ‘you could have said that in a less hurtful way.’ On the other side of that, I believe that in this day and age people get offended far too easily, and that getting angry because someone misspeaks can be an emotional mistake that can lead to rifts that are not easily mended. With that said, ‘the New Mitch,’ as I have occasionally referred to myself the last decade, seldom wants to offend or hurt or be misunderstood.

My son the elder is starting his Master of Law at a major university next month. How proud is his dad? I logged on to the university’s e-store to buy some merchandise – I ended up with a car magnet and two coffee cups. I posted pictures of these on my social media page to point out that for same price that Amazon Canada was asking for one mug, I got the two, plus the magnet, and paid the exorbitant international shipping (a flat fee of USD$24.99). I might also have posted the pics to kvell a little… after all, what Jewish father would not be proud of his son in law school?!

In response to my post, a friend commented that the school has a great Hillel (a Jewish students’ club). I started to respond ‘Unfortunately since my son is not Jewish…’ I took a pause right there, trying to word it appropriately.

Anyone who knows me personally knows how much I love my son and that I have never been put off by his religious affiliation. I met his mother when he was nine and we were married a year later, and shortly thereafter I adopted him. While I did have the discussion with his mother about her considering it, in the nearly eighteen years since I met him, I have never even initiated a conversation about, let alone tried to encourage him to convert to Judaism. His religion, even at nine years old, was not mine to try to change.

I reread that first phrase. My intention was to convey that ‘Hey, thanks for the suggestion, but unfortunately it will not apply.’ While that would have still been the intention had I sent it as written, there are some who might read it as my saying ‘unfortunately my son is not Jewish,’ as if to convey that I am disappointed by it. While I doubt my son would have ever read it, the thought that I might have said something that he might have construed as my being less than 100% proud and loving is why I went back and changed my words. I care little about what the masses might say – anyone can either intentionally or otherwise read my words and twist my meaning – but as a father I would never want to say something that might hurt, offend, or push him away.

“My son (the elder) is not Jewish, so Hillel will not be of interest… I hope he just keeps his head in the books, listens to his professors, and comes out ready for the Bar Exam.”

While some might read this and say ‘What, you don’t want your son to have an active social life and enjoy the college experience?’ of course I do… but he is not an undergrad and he is not in his late-teens or early twenties, and while he can socialize as he wants, I want him to succeed. Anyways, why am I explaining this to you? He would not be hurt or otherwise offended by that, and that is what matters.

This is why we should never tell offensive jokes. For those of you who knew me in my earlier years yes, I have come around to see that the offensive jokes that I thought so funny in years past are taboo – not because of some societal shift, but because we should not hurt others to make ourselves laugh any more than we should push other people down in order that we look taller.

I think with this incident I demonstrate what should be the acid test for whether something is appropriate or not. If I am saying something about someone, would they be offended if they heard it? Before I say something to you about Fred, would Fred be offended if he heard it? Expand that out: If I say something to you about little green men from Mars, would the little green men from Mars be offended if they heard it?

I am not and have never believed that we should never offend anyone. If you support Hamas then I am going to say things that will offend you and if you don’t like it then you can take it up with management. If I do not agree with you politically (and if we are not in a professional setting) then I might express my opinion and if that opinion offends you then so be it. You can either engage in respectful dialogue, or you can be butt-hurt. Take your pick.

I learned far too late in life that words can be misunderstood, and people can take great offense. It has cost me relationships (some dear ones) but that is not to say that we should walk on eggshells when talking 100% of the time. However, when you take a moment to think about the words you are going to say or write it can give you the opportunity to decide if there might not be a better way to word something so as to not offend – even unintentionally – someone you love.