I Feel Fat.

I woke up this morning and waddled into the washroom.  I couldn’t believe how big I felt.  I must have gained 20lbs.  I looked at the scale with fear and loathing.  I have been called a lot of names in the past, but never a coward.  I stepped onto the little crappy appliance that was about to tell me just how much weight I had gained since yesterday, and overall.

Down.

My weight was down from yesterday – almost a pound, and just over three pounds in the last seven days (and a ridiculous seven pounds down since the two day anomaly of the last week).  I weigh less than I did yesterday, less than I did last week, less than I did last month, and less than I did last year.  In fact, I currently weigh less than I have any time in the past couple of years – and certainly less than I have anytime since I started measuring and tracking my weight in August/2013 with the goal of losing all of the excess weight.

W8

At the Wharton Weight Management Clinic yesterday they weighed me, and I have lost nearly twelve percent of my body mass since I started attending their clinic last August.  With a single exception, I have been lower at every weigh-in with them since June.

So why is it that I would wake up and feel so fat?  There are a lot of answers (not the least of which is that I am still what the doctors refer to as Obese Class III).  Most of the reasons are psychological.  For all of my progress, and my serious attempts to maintain a positive outlook and a happy attitude, the reality is that sometimes it is hard.  Not only with the ‘diet’ and progress, but also with regard to my attitude I have good days and bad days… and there are days when the two do not jive. In theory, you would think that the days where I do well on the program I would have a good mental outlook.  Unfortunately that is not so.

Yesterday morning a friend on Twitter sent me a link to an event in Toronto… a local burger joint was making special hamburgers, and suggested I might want to go.  I thanked him, and told him that aside from Toronto being quite a distance to go for a hamburger (the CN Tower is a 50km drive from my home), burgers simply are not on my diet.

‘Haven’t you ever heard of cheat days?’  Of course I have… how do you think I ended up weighing over 360lbs?  How do you think I went from a previous low the last week of January to gain another sixteen pounds by the beginning of June?  I do from time to time cheat now… but it is never because someone else is encouraging me to.  Why not?  There are simply too many people who will encourage me, and too many opportunities.  Last Friday afternoon I went to the deli counter near my office for lunch, and the daily special was a cheeseburger with french fries.  I told them to hold the cheese (it’s not a kosher thing… I have never seen the appeal of cheese on a hamburger) but I will tell you honestly that I not only devoured the burger… I ate every last french fry too.  Have I heard of cheat days?  You’re damned right I have… and I already had one in the last seven days.

I told this story to a friend last night and he commended me on my iron will power.  I don’t know about that… I am happy that I was able to withstand the temptation to drive 50km for a hamburger, but had the same friend told me that there was a giant Buffalo Wings Festival in Burlington… I don’t know that I would have resisted.

I woke up this morning feeling fat, and feeling down about myself.  I also woke up this morning to the realization that my habitual breakfast was not available to me (I ran out of bread for toast).  You might not know how easy it would have been to head to Tim Hortons or Starbucks to grab a bagel or a breakfast sandwich… how easy it would be to order a pizza for lunch today, and get a plate of wings for dinner tonight.  I have to remain resolute and strong so that does not happen.  As it is I know that tomorrow morning the scale will likely be up from today… that’s the way it works when you weigh yourself every day.  However staying on the right trend relies on my minimizing those cheat days… and not eating to comfort myself.

It’s a challenge and a struggle… but I am not in this for the short term!

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3 thoughts on “I Feel Fat.

  1. Glad to hear Wharton is working out for you! I went there for a brief time but it didn’t last for me… I had a baritric specialist who wa a kid in diapers, never weighed more than 105 lb in her life and had no idea what the difference was between sushi and KFC. Plus… She loved to colour! She would use about 5 different coloured highlighters to mark up my sheets and then give them to me. I’d ask for som unmarked sheets and she would get all mad and told the doctor that I was “having a difficult day” suggesting perhaps I should be given some meds. I wasn’t impressed with my experience but it’s not to say it isn’t a good program… Just wasn’t the place for me. So I’m really glad it’s working for you!!!!! Hang in there…. There will be more days like you’re having now…. But they too shall pass! Keep at it!

    • Val there is no program that works for everyone… and I will tell you that I like some of the Bariatric Educators more than others. What really made me happy there (on topic) is that the psychologist they have on staff is not stick-thin… while we never discussed her own case, you can tell that she understands what it is like to struggle. Thanks as always for the words of encouragement!

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