The World According to Mitch

I have figured out why Godzilla was able to attack Tokyo without any advance warning. It’s because everyone was going about their business, distracted… Either by cell phones or manga books or just generally ignoring their surroundings. 

If you haven’t met me, let me paint a picture: I am 6’2″ tall (a head taller than the average adult male here) and I tip the scales at around 350lbs… Not to mention that 21 years after my enlistment I still walk like a cross between a soldier and a tank.  Let’s add the cherry on top… I wear a big cowboy hat.

And yet… People walk into me, step into my path (half a step from getting hurt), or else walk toward me expecting I will get out of their way… Even though there are ten lanes of pedestrians walking with them, and only two lanes of pedestrians in my lane (yes, there are pedestrian lanes here, and for the most part they are respected).

Folks, I am a big guy, and while I was once a lot nimbler than I am, that was a long time ago. If my stride is going to take me forward, by the time you unexpectedly decide to occupy treat space that I have a half a second to not move into suddenly… It’s too late.

Oh, and I should mention something else… If I outweigh you by 200lbs (that’s about 90kg before you try to make that excuse) and you and I collide… Well let’s put it this way: I will feel it… But it won’t hurt me. The physical recollection of our brief accidental encounter will be a memory for me forgotten within minutes, and quicker if I am thinking of something else.  You, on the other hand, will likely fee like you got hit by a truck. It will hurt… A lot… For a long time. Why? Because I stand like a brick wall and walk like a tank. I may be fat, but I am solid… VERY solid. ‘Let’s put Mitch in the CENTRE so nobody can get into our key’ solid. ‘If we need to walk through a crowd of rowdy people let’s put Mitch out front and we can walk through the clearing he causes’ solid.  Physics will work against you unless you are a sumo wrestler… And you’d better be super-heavyweight at that.

So Tokyo (and all of Japan), I want to leave you with this simple lesson. Look up. I’m not going to hurt you on purpose… But if you are lookin at your cellphone and not at me when we walk into each other then you are about to be having a very bad day.

I love you. Really. So please, don’t do it. Pay attention when you walk.